Share your opinion: Should the unfaithful spouse tell? Comments section Enrollment for 911 Marriage opens: March 18, 2010 at noon cst
See our main page at The Affair Recovery Center
“Why should I tell?” is one of the questions most frequently asked by the unfaithful mate and, for them, this question presents a frightening dilemma. The arguments are universal: Why should my mate be hurt because of my bad behavior? What they don’t know won’t hurt them. They’ll never be able to handle the truth. It would be the end of my marriage. How could I do that to the other party and their marriage? Why should I dump my stuff on them just to get rid of my guilt? And the list goes on. At first glance, these arguments seem logical but they fail to address the larger issues.
Infidelity isn’t the problem. The problem lies in our inability to know what to do about the infidelity and how to respond to infidelity. Most arguments against telling are self-serving and don’t address the best interest of one’s mate or the best interest of a healthy relationship. Maybe a better question would be, “Would my mate want to know?” The vast majority of the time, the primary motivation for not telling is fear. We’re afraid of what would happen if our mate were to find out. How will they react? What will it cost me? Telling all is about surrendering a secret life as well as choosing truth instead of deceitful lies and health over pathology. It is about surrender not control, about letting go rather than hanging on.
Recovery is not about maintaining the status quo and it is not about business as usual. Rather, it is about a changed life, a new beginning, and true intimacy. When describing the perfect relationship the author of Genesis states: “And the two were naked and not ashamed.” This doesn’t mean that they had their own little nudist colony; rather, it means they were able to fully share their lives, to be fully known, including all of their secrets, fears, dreams, failures, and successes. Nothing was hidden from the eyes of their mate and at the same time they felt totally accepted. That state is a far cry from the condition of those trapped in a secret life. In fact, those individuals find themselves hidden and ashamed. Recovery is about new beginnings and the old baggage needs to be discarded.
To do that, the truth has to be removed from its hiding places and exposed to the light. Infidelity is the keeping of secrets and intimacy is about a willingness to be fully known and a willingness to fully know another. The problem with infidelity is it inhibits a couple’s ability to be fully intimate.
Admittedly sharing information for the sake of relieving guilt is self-centered. Sharing with no willingness to help the other person heal from the wound of the betrayal is heartless. It comes down to your goal. Are you seeking a meaningful relationship based on honesty and intimacy or a relationship based on victimization where both live in the shallow disconnectedness of silent despair?
The most disturbing aspect about not sharing the whole truth and nothing but the truth with our mate is the control and manipulation. Information is control and the unwillingness to share the truth robs one’s mate of being able to make an informed decision. It ruins the unfaithful mate’s opportunity to truly be chosen. Living a facade is no way to experience love You can never be loved unconditionally if you only conditionally allow your mate to know who you are.
Decisions regarding “telling” don’t need to be based upon what a spouse has stated regarding what they will do if their mate betrays them. No one knows how their spouse will respond. In the majority of couples we’ve treated, the hurt spouse has previously made threats that if their mate ever cheats on them, then they’re gone, but they can never know how they’re going to react before they actually find themselves in that situation. Our experience shows that God frequently gives the grace to the betrayed spouse to give the relationship a chance as long as their mate is broken and grieved over what they’ve done to their mate.
Some of you may be saying at this point, “You don’t know my spouse” and you’d be right, but at the same time, maybe you don’t know how they’ll respond. In the past 25 years of working with marriages impacted by unfaithfulness, I can only think of a handful of cases where I didn’t believe it best to tell the truth. If you didn’t want to hurt them then you shouldn’t have done the deed. To keep them in the dark is almost always in your short-term best interest and not in theirs.
In many ways the most important issue of recovery isn’t about the behavior. If all we try to do is stop bad and hurtful behavior, then all we will have done is swept cobwebs. In my mind, we need to kill the spider and that work can never be done in secret. It requires eliminating shame, which is done by revealing our dark side and receiving the grace of God. It’s learning how to embrace what’s done and to take personal responsibility to address the problem. This sort of work can never be done for one’s mate, it can only be done out of my own desperation to become a loving human being. It’s facing the consequences rather than avoiding them through dishonesty. It’s about growing up.
What are your experiences? Hurt spouses: If you had a choice, would you prefer to not know? Unfaithful spouses: If you could do it again, would you tell or try to keep it a secret?
I wish my significant other would have told me about her affair much earlier than she did. We talked about it and I discovered there were two main reasons (in her mind) why. The first reason she gave was b/c of the tremendous amount of shame she felt held her back. The second reason, and probably the most influential aspect, was that she did not want to hurt me, which it did in ways I can’t even explain. When it came down to it, she had already hurt me by committing the acts of infidelity in the first place! In my mind she just didn’t want to have to deal with the plate that she herself had served in our relationship …However, we are strong and I’m confident we will not give up our hopes for recovery
I am living with the shame of having two affiars on my wife in the span of 2.5 years.
We went away to a healing weekend (2/09) after disclosure of the first affair (August 08) and she asked me several times during that weekend if I’d truly come clean. I lied point blank to her face and told her that I’d only had one affair. It was in April of 2009 that I once again shattered her world by revealing the second affair. I can tell you all from experience that that episode did more to break her than anything else. She is a strong, beautiful, sexy and amazing woman who was ready to “make us right” after our weekend.
When I revealed the second affair, I watched the light leave her eyes and I felt like I executed her soul. Words cannot describe how painful this process/journey has been, but I can tell you from experience that the truth shall set you free. It has been as ugly and painful as you can imagine, but I can only think that I never would have been ready to start the healing process without first coming clean. I envisioned healing with the lies I had still within me as a matter of me standing with one foot in the door and one foot out – like i would never be fully committed as I would be so worried about self-preservation. I had a therapist tell me that keeping a secret like that in is like trying to hold a beach ball underwater. You spend so much tiime and energy trying to keep it below the surface, but somehow and in some way, it is going to pop up and soak everything in the vicinity. When that happens – it gets ugly fast.
I can attest that it is not easy to sit and look the woman you love in the face and tell her about the secret life you’ve had and what you have done to betray her. I can also say that to keep a lie and then reveal a second time around makes it that much worse. I speak from experience when I say that the truth, as painful as it may get, is the only way to move forward and try to salvage something as precious as a marriage. God bless all.
So, after the second time around has she ever recovered?
If telling meant the affair would stop, then yes, I would want to know. If the offending spouse could get out of the affair without me ever finding out then I probably wouldn’t want to ever find out since this has been one of the most painful revelations I have had to deal with, and I have dealt with a lot of pain in my life.
In my case, the OW threatened to tell me about the A if my husband stopped it. So, it went on for a year and a half longer than “he said” he wanted it to go on (it was a three-year A) . Finally, when she started getting too obsessive and he realized she was getting close to telling me, he decided to “come clean” about it. The biggest problem was he was traveling down the freeway towards his hometown when he called me to tell me about it. He assumed all this time that I would have nothing to do with him when I found out. He said he used to lay awake at night wondering how he could get out of it without me ever finding out.
My advice to anyone who just wants to tell his/her spouse to relieve guilt, don’t. Why should both of you be miserable? But, if telling means you will have that accountability of not continuing the affair, than I think you need to tell.
I wanted to know everything. I felt like anything they had as a memory together (even what they ordered at dinner) was dissolved as soon as I knew about it too. I gave my husband the ultimatum of NO SECRETS even if he knows it would hurt to tell me. I know it killed him to tell me certain things but I felt like it was my right not his to decide what I needed to know. Its been 2 years ago and although it was the most painful time in my life our marriage wouldn’t be what it is today without me knowing 100 percent of the truth.
I’m hoping to write a book about adultery, and I would welcome comments from both sides of the fence, but the long and the short of it is this – TELL THE TRUTH!!!! TO HELL WITH THAT KNICKLEHEAD MIRA KIRSHENBAUM’S “WHEN GOOD PEOPLE..” I could be here until this time next week cataloging all the reasons to tell the truth, but the bottom line is this: YOU DON’T ANSWER DECEPTION WITH MORE DECEPTION. TELL THE TRUTH, TELL THE TRUTH, TELL THE TRUTH.
Nat
I am with Peter on the offending spouse telling his mate sooner of the affair rather than later. That is probably because they might want to continue in these types of relationships? He admitted it was because he thought I would never find out, and he just wanted to have sex with someone else he cared about. I found out after fifteen years of suspicion, catching him reading porn, finding out he visited strip clubs, and being treated abusive. You are wondering why I did not leave? I had children, four little ones at this time and I had no one to help me. No parents, no siblings to help me. (I helped them). I could not have given my children a safe home to live in. I made the choice to stay, til my children could care for themselves. Well, they are all grown up now, and I am still here. He resents my hurting, and just wants to go on with life. He says he loves me and wants to save the marriage. What marriage? I found out he lied recently again. He was with two prostitutes our first year of marriage, and he did have lap and table dances when he went to the prostitutes in the strip clubs. Why am I still here, feeling abused, lonely, and needing help. I am in counceling, we are in counceling, and I am still wanting out. Yes you need to tell, the sooner the better. The betrayals are hurting your spouse whether they know for sure or not what actions you are engaging in. Your secrets will hurt more the longer it takes to let them be known. I can not go back in time and remember who I was and what was really going on at these times. I know I felt lonely, and now I understand why. I was alone. There was no connection. There was no choice to be connected to me. I was not valuable in his eyes. I deserved to be valuable to myself, and at least have had the opportunity to find meaning someplace else. If you care about anything, tell them so they can move on and find meaning for themselves.
My H had a short A with a co-worker. I think he confessed to relieve his guilt. If the A was over and ment nothing to him — I would have preferred to never have known. It appears that this was the case – a sort of mid-life wayward moment — dragged out into infinity by my knowledge.
If the A was the result of some failure in our relationship — then I guess I had to know. Im still not sure after 5 years which it was. Knowing has been very painful. Before I knew, just he had the pain. Maybe shareing it with me helped him? I dont know the answer to this difficult question.
It took my husand 2 and 1/2 years to admit to “making out” with the other woman even though he tried to convince me that there was nothing more than “innocent flirting” going on and that the other woman took it too serously. I felt like I was crazy and paranoid even though my gut was telling me this was serious. His failure to tell the truth even to this day (3 and 1/2 years later) has had a serious downward spiral effect on my personal well being and my ability to cope and heal. I still don’t believe it was not a sexual relationship and I will have my doubts the rest of my life. I am told by my therapist to accept what I believe, convey that I do not believe him and go on with life. It’s hard and it will haunt me for the rest of my life. My advice would be to tell the truth, allow the other person time to try and cope. If they can, they will and if they can’t; they’ll end it. It’s a chance that has to be taken if you want the relationship to be a healthy one. I’m doing my very best to get past this experience and with the help of Lexapro I’m doing pretty well but I wonder how long it will last…
I still don’t know everything. I know that there have been at least 2 affairs and that none of it would have been revealed voluntarily. My unfaithful spouse has only admitted to what cannot be disproved. I feel like there is much more that I should know to make a decision about my future and about whether or not I can ever trust her again. It’s been about 8 months since I found out and don’t believe I will ever get the truth at this point. My wife has used every excuse listed in the original article and any attempt to talk ends in disaster with me feeling guilty about trying to figure out my life.
We are in the process of trying to heal a 22 year marriage after the revelation of being married to sex addict. I am completely devastated. In December he disclosed 22 years of unfaithfulness. This newsletter seems to have come at a time when God is telling me to look at my husband, as he see’s him. I am having a really hard time accepting what has happened but I said I was going to give this one last try and God is really trying to show me that I need to really look inside myself. After months of suffering and being stuck, I said to my husband ” Nothing has changed, what will make you respond different next time you are tempted or put in a situation? ” His response was ” I won’t be there by myself, now God is there with me.” I finally heard what he had been trying to tell me that I could not hear. He is sorry and want’s to change. And now that everything is in the light, the darkness is not so dark.
While I don’t advise disclosure without any support for the faithful spouse, I am thankful that I know the truth, although I wish it wasn’t true…it is. So I have decided to give this marriage one last ditch effort and see what can come of it. I am hoping with God’s grace we can become a success story and that we can help others in our situation. Please say a prayer for us…. we need as much prayer as we can get. I will pray for all the hurting spouses, both the faithful and unfaithful, Psalm 147:3, He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
The way I found out about the affair was from an anonymous letter in the mail. I made several phone calls to confirm that what my husband had been telling me were all lies and then I confronted him. I had suspected and said to him multiple times that I thought he needed to tell me something but he always avoided it and I was too afraid to push by myself. I was carrying the bulk of responsibility for our two sons and the household (barely keeping my head above water) and he was the bigger wage earner. I was afraid of facing all of that. He admitted it as soon as I confronted him with all the evidence, but he said later that he probably never would have told me otherwise. That idea is scarier than all the other problems, because if he is willing to live in that dishonest, unhappy, unfulfilled place for the rest of his life, how will we ever put this relationship back together. I have known him for 30 years, I will never know someone the way I know him, but he is riddled with guilt and stuck in the pain that he cannot find a way to express. He continues to smoke and drink. His health is shaky and he wants for me to get past this. He sees it as his penance to have to listen to my pain and frustration about this, but he doesn’t really engage and when I ask him why, he says he doesn’t know. Our marriage had been stale while the kids were in elementary school and we had drifted apart with the business of working and raising two kids. He had grown up mostly without a father, so he was unsure of his role, and I just picked up the slack. I see now I should have worked harder to include him, but what was obvious to me, he seemed oblivious to. I have said he can leave if he thinks he would be happier with the other person, I have said that many times, but he stays, frozen. I think he may never get it. We tried marriage counseling, but that fell apart, because six months after I found out he was sending her flowers for her birthday and still paying for her gym membership. I found out when looking at his bank statement. I told the therapist I couldn’t continue in a dishonest exercise. He has ended the gym membership, cried and felt suicidal about the flowers, but I still discovered that on my own. I have asked from the beginning that he write her a letter saying that he was recommitiing himself to his marriage,but he hasn’t done that. It’s the only thing I have asked him to do. He remains remorseful and frozen. I’m not sure he can climb out of this for himself. I am starting to feel like I have myself back, but our intimacy, emotionally, remains in question.
My H, for his own very obvious selfish reasons, didn’t tell me about his porn activities, which I not only feel is adultry repeated over and over again (he knew my feelings about it), but is also perverse, sexually desensitizing and escalates over time into even more perversity. The resulting lack of intimacy due to those activities is spread out over a lenghty time and compounds injury after injury and is a waste of life, year after year. I found out about it the hard way, I discovered it in full living color and suffered the resulting trauma of both the shock of the sight of it and the huge amount of deception employed on his part. And, that of course, uncovered a huge amount of accumulated deception and resulting mistrust, hurt and monumental anger. I can’t stress the amount of anger quite adequately.
That being said, I would like to share my feelings about the obligation to telling the truth at all costs to the perp. First, I don’t think that there is EVER any valid reason to withhold information regarding infidelity from a spouse, other than if they are terminally ill and the knowledge could have no benefit for their remaining life, since it will be horribly shortened, and the telling would have little, if any, benefit. Which I feel is the ONLY reason that the spouse should be told…for their benefit.
And, I personally feel that any counselor who would suggest intentional deception becomes a party to it and is just as guilty, if not more so, because of their education and heightened responsibilites. I don’t know a reason why a counselor would ever assume that position. Maybe there are reasons that I can’t fathom. I feel that to hide such a thing is stealing the spouses choices in life, and therefore their life, from them. So, then, not only does the perpetrator have infidelity to deal with, but intentional deception, and theft of the worst kind, the stealing of a life. I personally wouldn’t want to add more guilt by adding to the origninal mistake. A mistake is one thing. Intentional deception quite another.
For instance, had I known about my Hs indiscretions early-on when I was young, I might have had a much better life and lots more choices available to me than finding out after nearly thirty years when my youth and vigor is gone and the chance of a normal life gone with it. Because there were nearly thirty years involved, and it was so late in life, had he recognized the need to quit, and quit for good, I might well have been better served to have never known this late in the sequence of events. I’m not sure of the benefit to me at this late date.
However, I think that getting caught was very good for him. He was presented with a situation where he could finally see the truth and the results of his attitudes, actions and behaviors. Better late than never for him. He finally learned that what you sow, you also reap in good time. And, he got to finally absolve himself of the guilt he carried with him all that time….however small or large it was for him through the years. So, it was good for him in that way. And, he can go on in life now without carrying the burden of his deception…a stone on his back I’m sure. So, ultimately, the truth was very good for him.
I’m not sure just yet of the worth, this late in the scheme of life, for me. I do know that the truth is finally available, and whatever options that brings at this time. The only benefit that I know of at this point is that I have a better understanding of the subtle mistreatment I was subjected to over the years…as in the why of them. I am very aware of any insensitivities he developed and nurtured over time and that I allow none of those any longer. I found that I must put boundaries in place for any interactions with him in order to feel comfortable. And, so I am much more attune to my needs than I have ever been. Although, some of my needs, because of his behaviors, seem lost in the knowledge.
My husband had an emotional affair at work that I discovered through reading emails I was not to see…then two years later after healing from this offense he actually comes clean and shares his two sexual affairs 11 and 7 years ago. It has been 1 1 /2 years since this revelation and my entire world for almost 3 years has taken its toll on my life, our children and worse our relationship. Its the fact that I have lived along side a man for all these years who I thought adored and cherished me. He was an awesome actor and deceiver. TO trust him is an everyday struggle. I am a Christian and believe in forgiveness, but the emotional hurt this has brought to my life is still an everyday struggle. The pain never seems to stop. These women live less than 10 miles from our home and I have to see them on a regular basis. It is like salt in a wound everytime our paths cross. My advice as someone who is living the pain of his confession, I would have rather not ever known. My life has and is a lie anyway you try to explain it. I am never going to be ok, even though I have resolved to stay. My husband chose his sin, but now I have to live the consequences for the rest of my life.
Yes, that’s part of the insidiousness of sexual sin, isn’t it? The one who is true pays the consequences for the one who is deceitful–although there are usually consequences for the betrayer as well. The ones who betrayed us need to realize that their affairs didn’t “just happen.” They took planning with the purpose of the end result–adultery. Even if they were pursued, they had to aqcuiesce, which is a decision. 2 Peter 2:9 tells us that “the Lord knows how to recue the godly from temptation.” My prayer is that your husband has truly repented of his sin against you and is loving you like never before.
My husband, after 29 years of keeping 2 affairs secret, could no longer live with them. It’s now been over a year since that night he confessed. He’s struggled with depression for many years, and I believe its cause is so many years of carrying this dark secret alone. We were young when they happened, 21, the 2nd year of our marriage; I probably wouldn’t have had the strength to endure at that age. I’m stronger now, and I’ve always, even through that year, felt he was my best friend, or wanting to feel that. My feelings are confusing: I’ve been living a lie, his lie, for all these years. I wish he had really been the best friend and true love I thought I had. Of course, he was afraid the truth would hurt me too much. He’s right. I’m devastated–even after all these years of loving him. He’s been a wonderful husband. I always wondered at his blueness. Now, I’m blue too. That said, I wouldn’t exchange knowing the truth for anything. What happened to honor? What happened to truth? What happened to troth, keeping one’s word, one’s vow? Why would one devastate and betray the one he or she loves? I remember that year, feeling unpenetrable walls between us. He insists he’s always loved me. I don’t believe a spouse can truly love his or her spouse and betray them in this way. Althought the pain doesn’t hurt as much as it did at the beginning, I still have periods of obsession over the other women, why he would have betrayed our love, the details . . . That said, I’m reminded of his repentance, his utter brokenness upon coming clean, and I’m so thankful to know the truth–wouldn’t trade it at all for the fairytale I thought I had. I hurt and probably always will, but I’m thankful for an open and honest marriage.
I have many comments for the above writers, but have not the time now. Hope to in the future, though. However, I have a part two to the question…How much DETAIL would a MAN want to know or should a man know about his wife’s activities if they were not sought after but happened after much pressure from someone at work on a trip and she fought most of it off, but it started a downward spiral of wanting that lifestyle (the homelife involved deception by the husband in other areas and had not been stable for sometime – lots of fighting and very little communication, etc.)? Also if a few months later after begging and pleading for time alone to talk and time with a counselor he would not respond she gave him an ultimatum (after 20 years of trying to get his attention) and they were calling a lawyer and discussing divorce/separation plans, but still living in same house because of financial issues there were other trips that the same thing happened on, yet progressively more involved, tho no keeping in contact in between and they were different men? BTW No intercourse but some intimacy. Afterwards we went on an anniversary trip and decided to work things out and are now meeting with a counselor. She has suggested after watching us for 2 1/2 years now that we put everything behind us or we will not be able to move on. Other counsel has agreed, but he says he can’t without knowing the truth about those couple of months. I told him the struggle and how things led up to where they did and that there has been no further contact, but I did not see the need for details tho gave him the opportunity to ask. My counselor suggested to him that she did not think any more info would help him (she has been there but in a worse way). But I am reading your comments wondering if I needed to give him more detail. He has said that he is ok and has forgiven and with God’s help wants to move on but that I can come to him anytime and tell him more if I feel led. Thank you for any God-led comments.
You have no right to not keep the details from him. You did this to him, not vice-versa. You hold all the cards in your hand, and by keeping these secrets, they are STILL a deception. The only way to put the past behind is by shining a light on it, revealing all HE wants to know (not just what you want to tell him), and then moving forward. As long as there is any deception of the past, YOU ARE CHOSING THE AFFAIR PARTNER, not your spouse. If you can’t come clean with the past, why should he ever think there is honesty in the present or future? Even if he is gracious enough to forgive you, doesn’t he have the right to know what it is he is forgiving?
My husband left me and our 3 kids about 10 months ago. Said he needed space, and denied an affair. Couple months into that, he was caught. So, no, I know he wouldn’t have told me if he had not been caught. In some ways it made sense out of the non sense that was going on. we had never been separated, never even had a real conversation about it. I was the devoted wife and stay at home mom. Thought we had a pretty good balance. Close friends we often entertained with. He gave all of this up to be with a 28 year old???? He and I are 41.
Having said that, it very much complicated my emotions when I found out about the OW. Now, rather than thinking he just abandoned us, I have to think of them together. It is consuming. It is so unfair. He never even said sorry…NEVER said he wanted to work on our marriage. Just gave up, said he would have to care enough about it to do that. We have been married 16 years. Very painful. So, I think the question to tell or not is a double edged sword. If you want the marriage to work, just quit the A and work on the marriage. If you are out…tell your wife about the OW, so she can move on too and not wonder if you are coming home.
I disclosed an internet affair to my husband 4 years ago, he has forgiven me and we have moved forward in our marriage. However, since that time I have had phone sex and physical contact with the man with whom I had the original emotional, web-based affair – not intercourse, but intimate contact. I again disclosed to my husband that I’ve had physical and intimate verbal contact, but not all the details or the extent of the contact. Our counselor has advised me not to tell my husband any more details, since he already knows there has been an ongoing affair and further information would needlessly hurt him. The issue is, I have been unable/unwilling to completely cut off contact with my affair partner. Friends and family feel I will be unable to stop unless my husband knows all details, can choose whether or not to remain in our marriage based on that knowledge and subsequently police/provide accountability for my actions. His perspective, and the perspective of our counselor, is that it is my responsibility to turn, repent and show restraint in future – he knows I still talk to the OM. I realize that his choice to stay with me is based on a partial lie and that is unfair to him. I also know the original, whole truth, discloser hurt him deeply, but provided a strong bond and renewed intimacy between us. But, even that renewal was not enough to stop future misbehavior. I realize my behavior is very selfish and I’m obviously still quite mired in sin. I’m not sure what I should do and would welcome suggestions and covet prayers.
You claim that your issue is “I have been unable/unwilling to completely cut off contact with my affair partner”. This is not your issue, but a behavior or symptom out of a need to control and manipulate others. And why for this need? It is from a brokenness deep within you that only your God can heal you or free you from this need. No person, no man, no husband, no amount of sex (or imaginary sex) can satisfy or remove this need. Of course, the enemy wants you to believe this is the solution and that God has no power to bring full restoration. In fact, the enemy CONTROLS and MANIPULATES YOU by convincing you through fear and shame and momentary thrills, to share only partial truths (supposedly to protect you and others). But, in reality, those small dark unknowns or secrets are the very snares that he holds you captive! When we’re honest with ourselves and express our deep hurts and needs to our God and look to Him alone for satisfaction, He will enable us to be real and transparent. Those behaviors to control and manipulate will disapate and we’ll progessively experience freedom (not restraint or will power). And those who we love will also be free (not manipulated) to choose us or not! Is’nt that exactly what God has allowed for us? To choose Him or not!
Since my previous posting, I’ve told my husband there are aspects of my infidelity that I’ve kept from him. I asked him to read this article and my response. I also asked him to take time to process and then to please ask me about anything. That was five days ago. At the time his statement to me was, “Knowing more will allow me know you better and love you more.” However, thus far he has not asked for any additional details. Instead he has continued to be a steadfast, affectionate, and possibly, an even more loving partner. I’m not sure how to view this… perhaps my approach was another manipulation, as noted by Kevin above. In any case, I’m reluctant to insist on foisting the details of my sordid behavior on him, if he would really rather not know (which follows the advice of our current counselor, whose believes such disclosures are to relieve the guilt to the betrayer at the expense of the betrayed). I do wish to choose God and to choose my husband, and I want to take the proper actions to make that possible.
My husband of 22 years is having an internet affair…he doesnt know that I knew about it. We had an argument a few days ago and i told him to cut down his internet time,playing games to people/strangers in the facebook …he would play up to 3 a. m in the morning every day and still wake up early on weekends to play…his response to me…he is not doing anything wrong…just playing games…and since then he slept in the other bedroom b y himself…I find this defiance and refusal to communicate…I am hurt and prayed to cast away the evil spirits in him and in the computer,the following day I browsed his web pages/faceboo and read the comments…most are harmless usual comments among players of the facebook game…but there is one particular woman ..he is exchanging flirtatious comments…no doubt…and i have read about talking/chat in private between them..this is hurtful.. i am devastated…as of now i dont know what to do…anybody there????/hellp me please…
I think the betrayed spouse should know…especially in this age of venereal diseases…what you don’t know can kill you…and knowing kills you too…if you are not told it is always between you and I “knew” on some level that our one flesh bond had been broken and we could never heal…also keeping it secret increases the chances of it continuing…or happening again….in my case his affair partner happened to be someone I had considered a dear friend for 30+ years of my life…I deserved to know what had happened between them…I had trusted her deeply too…I just want to know why, which they don’t even know, they can do something so brutally cruel and throw spouses and children under a bus for their own selfish gratification…I do not understand how they can do it and then not even get the devastation they have left in the wake…for me…I was raped…I did not give permission for my body to have sex with her…my husband made that choice for me so he allowed me to be raped…in the months before I knew the truth I confided to the other woman that I felt like my husband had been unfaithful…I cried on her shoulder and TRUSTED her…when the truth came out she was horrid to me…and lied further to me…I saw her real character too…I needed the truth….she was not safe…I am still determining if my husband is safe…but I know IF we make it through this and do the HARD work of rebuilding…we will have a better marriage…one built on HONESTY…and for that alone…TELL!!!!!!!!!!!
I couldn’t agree more. Well said. – Rick