Would you be interested in winning a free spot for the next 911 Marriage course?
Well….. Let’s help each other out. I need help. I need market research to help with our product development and some of you may need a free course. If you’d post what you consider to be the most difficult issue you and your mate have had since the revelation of the affair that would be most helpful for my research. In exchange I’ll have a drawing for a spot in the 911 Marriage program.
If you’ve ever been apart of past contest then you know you’ll want to watch the entries. A lot can be from our struggles. To make your entry, just make a comment below on the most difficult issue you and your mate have had since revelation.
Don’t forget the enrollment opens in six days.
To healing,
Rick
P.S. Make that entry. You might win and I most certainly need help in making sure we’re addressing your issues.
Thank you for your entries. the contest has ended. The winner was selected at random excluding duplicate entries.
After almost 7 months post-discovery and with good therapy, we have a marriage more rewarding than ever, but I am struggling with thoughts that bombard my happiness, such as:
1. He had an affair for 5 years, and if he was able to pull that off without my knowledge, perhaps he is still doing so (although he seems to be fully vested in our healing).
2. Even if he isn’t, I wonder if he thinks of her often, does he miss her, etc.? Will he let me know if I am not meeting all his needs? What do his feelings for her look like now? Does he feel responsible for her, and will he feel the need to contact her? Will he eventually be drawn back in by the excitement of the affair? If so, will I have the courage to end my marriage? I feel as if I’m just “waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
3. I make comparisons constantly. How much of his sense of humor/interests reflect something he learned from her? Did he touch her in the same way? How did she respond? What did she do that caused so much joy for him that he was able to consider me (and the kids) disposable?
All unproductive thoughts, I know, but a daily struggle…
The most difficult issue for my husband and I since the revelation of his affair 2 years ago is him being honest with me about the affair. When he first started to share with me the details of his affair my reaction of shock, hurt and disappointment affected him to a point where he is afraid to tell me more thinking that it will hurt me to a point that I may leave him. I’ve told him many time that if he wants me to ever trust him again he has to be honest with me but I can’t seem to get through to him. Our therapist has also told him how important it is for him to be honest but he hasn’t been able to get through to him either.
The most difficult thing for me is to forgive the affair partner’s lover. He is a thief who stole my wife when she was vulnerable. In my heart, I wanted to hurt his wife and children and then kill him. But I belong to my Lord Jesus and he commanded me to forgive. It was a lot of struggle to forgive him, but I obey my Master.
Thank you Rick …I think he sees but is still compartmentalizing because he feels he is RESPONSIBLE for her and them > I have had several biblical scholars who are also very invested in family issues and especially the study of the WORD regarding what a father’s responsibilities are …and they all conclude this ongoing active feeling he has usurps the covenant marriage protocol AS well as serves no good purpose for the other woman or the children ,
The humanist manifesto as fed to our culture has laid the care of those who are in need upon ALL of us …We as Christians do well to examine who JESUS concerned Himself with …HE ALWAYS obeyed the Father ,..whose priorities are pretty clear for all of us.
We are to love and honor GOD FIRST and then in the “pecking order’ the next would be those who are ‘doing the will of His FATHER ..” as HE identified who his mother and brother are …His payer in John chapter 17 set forth that he did not pray for the WORLD but those who the Father had given him
Many people like to point out that Jesus said he did not come to ‘judge ” the world but to save it …THAT is because HE came to save those who were WILLING to follow HIM and HIS WORDS …because the WORLD had ALREADY been JUDGED at the time of the FALL and thus NEEDED saving !
The idea that JESUS did not judge is not OF the truth …ALL GOD’S ways are judgment
Jesus said the criterion for judging any thing as to find out how it lines up with GOD’S WILL is HIS WORDS, thus we are not without ability to KNOW what is the RIGHTEOUS WAY to make decisions and do right .
The battle comes when people ASSUME that they KNOW what is “RIGHT ” by their feelings or by the standards of the culture ..and they do not KNOW what the WORD of GOD says IN it’s entire context upon any subject…
Many are aware that we get into trouble in churches and in general when we assume we know what the Bible says without checking it out IN the Scriptures…
The need in our household is for GOD’S WORD to be held high and regarded as the last word on any subject .
There is also a need for support to make RIGHTEOUS determinations as to the correct action to be taken based upon GOD’S foundation as to WHAT and WHO is to be regarded in this issue…MARRIAGE is second only to GOD Himself in priority of concern
My husband began his decent into this situation when he rejected anyone including GOD to tell him what was right.
His rejection of anyone telling him what was at cross purposes to his decision was sown into his mind by his parents …at the time I did not really think about the effects they would have upon his thinking ..as I thought his going to Bible classes and getting involved in the fellowship would grow his knowledge and love for GOD he would mature .
The things I have learned SINCE that time 30 years ago is that of course knowledge of the WORD alone does not make a believer…if that were true the various Pharisees had LOADS of what they needed to recognize who JESUS was but did not know him
Their ‘riches ‘ of their head knowledge , their status as ‘leaders ‘ in the synagogue blinded them to the very fulfillment of all that they had consumed and memorized from the scriptures….Jesus actually confronted and condemned this as he told them …Search the scriptures for IN THEM ye THINK ye HAVE eternal life ..but you will not COME TO ME that you might receive LIFE.
They were of course offended …WHO are YOU to tell us !
This kind of intellectual pride…combined with willful ignorance and then willful rebellion and shunning of accountability was grown in his family …I just thought he would be a man of his word ..and believed his action ..it was fine until …UNTIL he began to be involved with CORPorate training …and his desire to be separate from the Lord …it was embarrassing for him
Just as the parable of the sower …which is more accurately titled “the parable of the SOILS” …His soil was not prepared to receive the Word with intent to take it to heart and obey it …MEEKNEES
SO …WILL he receive any help? HE SAYS he is willing …but I think this ONE Stronghold of feeling he MUST provide for all of them is very difficult
He wants to be married TO ME …he wants to ‘get it right’ >>>HE seems to be sorry and trying to ‘make it up to me’ the thing is that I am willing to make compromises except where the scriptures are VERY clear about what marriage is …I did not sign up for marriage to a divorcee ..because I do not believe that is what scripture allows …
I did not choose to marry what I thought was an unbeliever and nothing as I took the time to evaluate by what I DID understand at that point indicated to me that he wasn’t
I did not sign up to have an “ADDITION ” added to our ONE FLESH ..and I do not think it will work to try to build our foundation on an OLD one that remains IN our marriage if not in a sexual way …in his HEART ..
The divide heart ..the divide house…it just NOT God’s will for marriage
HE has to find a way to allow SOME other way for him to provide support and ONLY for the children and allow HER to take the responsibility for her own life and decision .
Sadly he WANTS to have a relationship with the children ..at this point I think it would be more damageing going forward FOR ALL concerned ..
I do not think he has been able to really identify WHAT HE has done fully because he is assigning my pain TO ME …as if HIS continuing actions have nothing to do with MY continuing pain.
He needs perhaps the peer pressure of men who have more experience in SEEING this behavior as DAMAGING to the healing he claims to want to ‘get on with’
He also claims MY discussion with my daughters is preventing their healing ..they are 26 and 19 and have grown up with their mother sharing all of her various trials with them as a means of TEACHING and instructing of what I have been learning about HOW to deal with life’s issues from a study to learn what my response and action should be according to what I could learn from study of it in the WORD.
This has been the way homeschooling believers have found instruction is shared as they apply the word to all of life.
So YES I do share this with them ..they LIVE with us ..and they have been damaged and stolen from for all those years…and even now their lives are greatly effected as is the life of my son who has not moved her but lives in another state where he is working age 24.
The effects of this on adult children is huge and not even being addressed as yet…He seems to think that not seeing them in a state of unhappiness that they are OK and it is only ME that is deeply effected and that MY state is more of the harmful thing that how his actions have effected them
This is a form of denial and escape from the deeper issues that HE has that caused him to flee intimacy and the kind of inclusion that is needed in marriage …I did not realize that I was ENTITLED to be include into his life ..as now I see the word tells us in Genesis …I though that he would gradually grow to open up but he did not ..in fact he seems to prefer relationships ..including the one with his adulteress that only skim the surface …even his relationships with children are more for FUN things and he avoids any kind of setting limits…
I have tried to submit to what the WORD says ..and to honor and respect him …but as has been seen in study ALL who are Christian submit to the LORD and thus ..as the man does this he does not assume that HE is entitled to ‘respect ‘ regardless to his neglect of obedient sacrificial love and care of his wife.
My husband gets by with his looks, charm , and humor and is very inventive…he is a diligent worker and provides well for his family …He is convinced of his having fulfilled his responsibilities to our family because he paid the bills…but his LIFE has been distributed throughout this many admirers and those who ‘need’ his energy and time ./.
This is common among many who want to ‘help ‘ others to the neglect of their most foundational relationships ..as we often see among ministers, executives [!] and people intent upon changing the world at the expense of their families’
God even told us that we were ‘bought with a price we are not our own .,be not servants of men” that does not mean we do not help others but if we REALLY want to avoid harming others keeping godly priorities will facilitate REALLY helping
Our culture is so damaged now as people have broken families …the UNITS of culture and society because they FELT they needed to serve others rather than tending to the First commandment ..
Everyone like to DO ..and they seem to leap OVER the first commandment which demands we DIE to SELF …first …
The second actually is impossible to do correctly without submission and compliance with the first
THANK YOU for your helpful input …I will continue to pursue this help and I DO thank you for your ongoing efforts in petitions before the throne…OUR GOD JESUS …loves
After finding out that my W had been having an affair with my best friend whom I had served with in a warzone I tried to fix things. She at first did not want to end it. We have 4 kids. This was a total shock to me considering that the guy was also in the middle of a divorce and had cheated on his own wife upwards of 12 times while claiming to be a christian. Their plan was to not tell me and quietly get their divorces so they could be together. 6 months off and on with him down the road she realized he was not the man she thought he was and began to soften towards me. I came back from the warzone after those 6 months and we began to heal. I was still hurt, but doing better after 1 year from the affair, but she kept wanting to quit. She finally broke down one morning and tearfully admitted to me that God convicted her, and that he was not the only one she had been with. 6 months before the affair with my best friend she had been with one other good friend/boss of mine intimately(not full intercourse) on 2 ocassions. This was fully 2 years from now. After trying to heal for over a year I was devastated completely. I was back to square one and this time felt trapped. As one of the other comments on here said, “the light left my eyes”. MY Question is: How do you get a wife who has a problem with boundaries to realize that she is wrong and must set better limits??
The most difficult aspect of his affair and our recovery is the dreaded question of why. I understand that why can be many things. My husband is just not able to understand what led him to do what he did. This terrifies me because I believe that if that question cannot be answered it makes it almost impossible to prevent it from happening again. I believe we need to understand what led him to the affair and what allowed him to make the decision that he did to have an affair and continue it for six months. One other issue is the fact that they had unprotected sex and he put my very life in danger.
Actually you can heal even if he doesn’t give up those behaviors, but it might be difficult for the marriage. 911 Marriage is designed to help the unfaithful spouse get it. I certainly hope you guys can join us. RR
How do suggest healling if the hurt spouse refuses to seek help. I get it, I understand my husband’s hurt, pain and how I exploded the world as he knew it. However he will not speak to anyone, professional or otherwise. He has kept it all to himself. WHAT CAN I DO. I keep hoping that something will trigger the desire to seek help will heal (hopefully) our marriage. If your course was available for him to reveiw study in the privacy of our home it may unlock our stalemate. This has been going on for 2 years now, I HAVE ACCEPTED THE SITUATION AS MY PUNISHMENT, BUT i WANT TO HELP MAKE US WHOLE AGAIN.
“might be difficult for the marriage”…there is NO way he can continue in porn and lust and fantasy…these are NOT part of what God intended for a Christian.
I am experiencing ALL the symptoms of TRAUMA!!! PTSD!!! It is NOT SAFE and there is NO SECURITY as long as he refuses to give up the sins…I am praying about it, but right now there is no money for the course and I doubt in his current hardened heart that he would even join. I wish it could happen for us…we have a house full of young children still and the thought of raising them alone scares me…but I know I can’t tolerate or condone his continued acting out in the marriage. I don’t even believe that would be loving him well. For YEARS I was ultra submissive, doormat, compliant completely…and it didn’t “fix anything”…the most difficult thing I’ve ever done is tell him he must move out because he was continuing to defraud our marriage sexually, spiritually, and emotionally.
You have NO idea how much I wish I could join the next course…no idea…I feel disregarded, discarded, disposable, dirty, ashamed because of the marriage problems…so extremely hurt…my husband has stepped out of our marriage and actually had sex with someone I considered a dear friend…he had a one night stand years earlier….porn and masturbation was much more a part of his life than I eve could have imagined….he was able to live a double life…I thought there was something wrong with me so I did backflips to try harder and harder to be better so I could earn his love…nothing worked…the marriage is over unless he gives up the perversions and sexual sin…he has to…
God will heal me…but the question remains will the marriage be redeemed, restored, and reconciled…it can’t be if he continues doing porn and acting out…
What do you do in the “hardball hardhearted sexual addiction” cases???
You’re right he doesn’t get it. You’re going to find it difficult to trust him before you feel he understands. Hopefully he’ll do the course and do the necessary exercises to understand what he’s done to you. RR
If they’re unwilling to return to the marriage and do what’s necessary to protect the family then you get away from them. Love always acts in the best interest of another person. I would question whether staying with him might not be enabling him to stay in this crazy lifestyle. What’s in his best interest. It’s not okay to treat someone the way you say he’s treating you so for the sake of love I’d have him move out. Maybe, just maybe he’ll come to the end of himself and begin to look beyond his own self gratification. If he doesn’t join the course then I certainly hope we can find a way for you to do Harboring Hope. That would be a great support for you. RR